One stockman’s lie is exposed by a damp-haired city girl on Tuesday night’s Farmer Wants A Wife while the show’s lone farmerette dumps everyone and quits the show entirely … again.
A different farmer is also forced to quit the show and dump all his remaining ladies because of a death in the family and an illness and a really important appointment that sprang up on the 32nd of October at 3.67pm. It’s as if this entire crop of contestants is being ravaged by a pest plague before our very eyes.
We’re almost at the end of the competition and, tonight, the final dates are ticked off before everyone is trucked away from the farms for a swanky party in Sydney. Of course, all the farmers insist on vaguely referring to Sydney as “the city” like they’re Irene on Home And Away.
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Farmer Paige is not having any luck. Just one week ago, she quit the show and dumped all the guys because they weren’t good enough. And even though producers have given her a second chance by rustling up two new gents, things still aren’t working.
why? We don’t even really know. The guys are so boring and Paige is so picky that we just keep zoning out.
Things get so dire that Paige is forced to drag some guy called Cody out to a paddock and ask him point-blank if he even likes her.
“I’ve been waiting for the physical attraction to click in but it hasn’t quite clicked in,” he tells her.
Huh. That’s…a slap to the face. But we … appreciate the honesty?
You OK, Paigey?
Then she yanks the other guy called Aiden outside and asks him what he reckons of her.
“I dunno,” he replies.
Already hangin’ in there, girl?
Over at Ben’s joint, Kiani is still trying to impress.
“I love cows!” she exclaims with a forced smile after being dragged into a stable.
Ben tells her to wrestle one to the ground. She proceeds to do so, while wearing a boob tube.
Ben then romantically tells her she can name the calf.
“I’m naming him Love,” she beams. “Me naming that calf is a symbol of our relationship”.
Ben says she can come visit Love as the calf grows up.
hmm. Interesting. Now feels like an appropriate time to quote an email I received while this episode aired.
The viewer helpfully writes: “Male calves on dairy farms usually get sent through the sale yards and die a horrible death.”
This show really is the end of Love as we know it.
Ben then tells Kiani he doesn’t want to kiss her because he also needs to go on a final date with Leish – and kissing both girls would just be weird.
Cut to Ben, kissing Leish in a ute.
Meanwhile, Farmer Benjamin has had to leave the competition because his grandma died and now he’s sick. We never see him again. The girls are left waiting around his kitchen from him. Then we watch footage of them struggling to pack all their luggage into the back of the Rav4 sponsorship.
With final dates done and dusted, everyone else is shoved into a fleet of Utes and made drive thousands of kilometers across the desert to Sydney. All the farmers promptly complain about the traffic.
The contestants assemble for a boozy dinner party while wearing outfits from Tarocash and BooHoo.com. Suddenly this show has morphed into MAFS.
Paige complains to the other farmers about how one of her guys said he isn’t attracted to her.
“He essentially said he feels there’s an emotional connection but there’s not a physical connection with me,” she reveals.
Farmer Ben sighs. “If he’s not physically attracted to ya, he that’s a big one.”
yeah. That’s for the contribution, Farmer Ben. Little does he know he’s got trouble of his own brewing: his ladies Kiani and Leish are having drinks. Ruh-roh.
Kiani causally mentions to Leish that Ben was a total gentleman for not kissing either of them on their final dates. And then Leish goes and gleefully brags that Ben actually pashed her.
Kiani? Any thoughts?
“Yeah, I’m pissed off,” she smokes.
And she has every right to be pissed off. She should be annoyed at Ben — but also at the show’s stylist for not blow-drying her hair properly.
Over dinner, Kiani tries to confront Ben but it fizzles out because Ben refuses to get outraged at the accusations. Farmers, huh? They can keep an entire nation fed but don’t know how to execute a compelling TV confrontation.
Kiani’s forced to just sit there, passively aggressively sipping her wine.
Later on, we see how quickly the wine goes to Kiani’s head.
“I have such a physical attraction to Ben that I want to kiss him all the time, everyday, all day, every day,” she frankly confides in his. “I feel like an idiot. I feel so stupid right now.”
We have no doubt, doll.
“It’s either: you kiss both of us or you kiss either of us!”
…Huh? Lady, you need a glass of water and a hair dryer.
Over on the other side of this wannabe-MAFS dinner party, Paige is dumping her two contestants.
“I can’t stand here and allow someone to tell me that essentially I’m not enough,” she says triumphantly.
And just like Love The Cow, the boys are sent off to the sale yard.
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