Why marrying your second choice isn't that unusual - petsitterbank

Why marrying your second choice isn’t that unusual

People marrying their second choices is more common than you think, and there is a good reason for it.

Soulmates can appear in varying forms.

For any fellow trashy reality show fans out there, who also found themselves tuned into Love is Blind, Season Two (yes, I know how that sounds), you will be familiar with one of the two couples who ultimately married from the experiment, Iyanna and Jarrette.

For those who don’t (and respect to you), here is a very condensed version of the story.

On Netflix’s most recent season of the dating show where singles meet through a wall, fall in love and propose without seeing each other, one contestant, Iyanna wasn’t another contestant, Jarrette’s first choice. In fact, he proposed to and was turned down by another woman, Mallory, before then asking Iyanna (you still with me?)

Iyanna knew that this was the case before saying yes and although there were a few Mallory shaped bumps along the way (especially as they watched the series when it aired) and many viewers commenting (mostly with advice to Iyanna telling her she deserves better), it all seems to have worked out in their relationship.

And before you say it, yes, this is TV but marrying your second choice isn’t just saved for the silver screen.

Brisbane woman, *Liz says she entered into a relationship and married a man who wasn’t her first choice, *Ben, who describes as her soulmate, wasn’t on the same page about their future.

“I loved Ben with everything, but he just didn’t want the same things for our future and the longer we were together the more it became clear. I would have married him in a heartbeat if he was but instead, we broke up,” she tells Body+Soul.

A good friend of Liz’s soon became “more than friends” and it was with him that she soon found herself saying yes to.

“*Ash and I have now been happily married for over five years. While theoretically he wasn’t my first choice, he ended up being the right one for me,” she says.

While this situation may seem unusual, it is actually more common than you might think.

“Finding the right person at the right time for a relationship is incredibly difficult. Many people settle for their second or third choice, which equates to their second or third major love experience in their lifetime,” says sex and relationship therapist, Lauren Bradley.

“Many people enter long term relationship contracts with different goals and needs than they do when they are exploring love and dating, meaning we often expect and look for different things from a passionate first love, to the one we spend the rest of our lives with. . So, it’s not uncommon for people to skip their early romances, to find someone different that suits their long-term relationship goals.”

And these partners aren’t always our ‘soulmates’.

“Clients who have settled with their not-so-number-one…often leave their initial ‘soulmate’ and find someone else that fits their life plan more comfortably. This isn’t exactly a bad move though, often in love we make fast decisions based on lust or initial attraction in the ‘honeymoon’ or limerence phase. Waiting for long-term stable love and finding someone who can last, opposed to the strongest attraction can be for some, a sensible choice for finding long-term relationship satisfaction,” she explains.

And as Iyanna, Jarette, Liz and Ash show, committing to someone who isn’t your first choice can actually be the best one.

“Second choice doesn’t always mean second best,” says Bradley.

“The second choice might be the best option for the person, fitting their long-term goals, sharing similar values ​​and developing a strong bond over time. We can also learn from past relationships, perhaps number one was the lesson that helped you figure out your own baggage, so your load is a little lighter going into relationship two. Or maybe between number one and two – your own relationship skills improved, and you have become a better partner.”

For Liz and Ash, it was being on the same page about future goals that made them the right choice for each other.

“Ash communicated transparently, which made things much clear[er] from the start. Very early on I was able to know that he wanted the same things that I did, namely kids and a more financially secure life, and that together we could work towards them,” Liz explains.

While she concedes this might seem “boring” or like a business deal, it was important for Liz and Ash’s happiness and it also allowed the other elements of their relationship to flourish.

“First choice isn’t always the best one. I learned this the hard way but I’m glad I learned because I found the best choice for me,” says Liz.

Shona Hendley is a freelance writer and ex-secondary school teacher. You can follow her on Instagram here.


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